When a service member dies while serving our country overseas, the military prepares for the dignified transfer of remains. For many families awaiting the most somber homecoming, the Fisher House for Families of the Fallen is a refuge.
During a dignified transfer, the remains of a service member are flown to Dover Air Force Base in Delaware before being escorted off the aircraft by a military carry team, every move respectful and precise. If a Gold Star family chooses to attend the dignified transfer, the Fisher House for Families of the Fallen offers free lodging on base as well as food, comfort and a space to grieve.
Founded in 1990, the Fisher House Foundation is primarily known for providing free lodging for military members and their families as they undergo medical treatments at military or VA hospitals. The Fisher House for Families of the Fallen, however, is set apart from the other homes in its sacred mission: to support grieving families awaiting their loved one’s return home.
Fisher House for Families of the Fallen
In the spring of 2009, Ken Fisher, chairman and CEO of the Fisher House Foundation, learned that there were few affordable places near Dover AFB for Gold Star families to stay. The lack of options forced families to procure lodging miles away from the designated transfer. Logistically inefficient and cost prohibitive, he realized there was a great need for a special Fisher House designed for the comfort of Gold Star families navigating trauma and loss.
“I was eager to do something to help correct it because this was something that we felt was our duty both as a foundation and as individuals who work in the foundation to help these families,” Fisher said.
With a sense of urgency, he went into action, building not just the comfort home but also a nondenominational spiritual center for families to grieve in peace through prayer, meditation or silence.
“We mobilized as quickly as we’ve ever mobilized before,” Fisher said, adding that Fisher House for Families of the Fallen opened later that year around Veterans Day. “It was one of the most important houses that we ever built.”
Care in the details
Christina Phaneuf stayed at the Dover Fisher House after losing her brother in Afghanistan. Air Force Capt. Ryan S. Phaneuf was an aviator who was killed when his aircraft experienced engine failure and crashed on Jan. 27, 2020. Phaneuf described how the staff — all military personnel — cared for families, even when it came to providing much-needed nourishment.
“They would make us breakfast, which was fantastic that you really didn’t have to worry about food,” she said. “Because most people aren’t very hungry, but it’s good to have food presented because it gets you to eat when you’re really not feeling like eating.”
Phaneuf explained that the staff’s thoughtfulness displayed care and attentiveness, down to every detail.
“To this day, everybody talks about the kitchen,” she said, specifically noting the stocked refrigerators. “The orange juice was all lined up. You would take one, and then, if you went back later in the evening, they restocked it so it’s almost like a magic fridge, which was really fascinating for everybody involved.”
Finding support in other Gold Star families
The Fisher House provides privacy for families, but the common areas — including the “magic” kitchen — offer an opportunity to connect with other families experiencing the same grief.
Phaneuf discussed unexpectedly meeting the family of Lt. Col. Paul Voss, the other Air Force pilot killed in the crash with her brother. Initially unaware of the connection, they realized their bond while making small talk during breakfast.
“The families kind of sat with their [own] families, but the conversation would always get mixed in,” Phaneuf said. “That’s the only reason we know of the Voss family. We would have probably never met them if we didn’t all stay at the Dover House.”
“I think Fisher House [enables families] to find comfort in each other,” Fisher said. “And that’s the basis for the house and why the program works so well is because of what happens inside the house. … It’s as much about the support system in each house as it is about the free lodging.”
“One of the things that happens under the roofs of these houses, even when there is more than one family that’s grieving, they know what each other is going through, so they support each other and they help each other,” Fisher went on. “Much like the other houses … it becomes a community. And that didn’t change with Dover.”
Learn more about the Fisher House Foundation and how to support their mission.
