The new year is in full effect and whether you are on track with your vision board objectives or going with the flow on a few relaxed goals, I’d encourage you to add an upgrade in your relationship to your 2024 wish list. I don’t know about you, but when I ask friends in various military branches how they are really doing in their marriage relationship, it’s clear that we are all out of the honeymoon phase. More and more we are feeling marriage growing pains, which are totally normal. If you are feeling this too, welcome! Not only are you not alone, you can choose to do something about it this year.
New year, new jeans
As I approach year 10 of my marriage, I am feeling the tension of growth in our relationship. It’s like trying to put on your favorite jeans from high school. You love them, they are still super cute, but there is no amount of jumping or laying flat in the bed that will help you get into them comfortably. Children, challenging assignments and frequent moves that I considered “part of the lifestyle” had my marriage bursting at the seams.
Our head down, getter done routine inevitably caused small tears in our communication and connectedness. Not in the fashionable ripped jeans type of way either. We bent over, split our pants and felt outright embarrassed. When we finally paused to unzip, breathe and look in the mirror at ourselves and one another, it was as if we were looking for the first time after major growth spurts.
Faced with figuring out who we were individually and together, we made the decision to create our start & stop list. This would outline the things we were leaving behind in the 1.0 version of our relationship and outlining the things that we needed in our 2.0 upgrade. It was time to trade in the outdated expectations, avoidances and disappointments for a new pair of jeans. Our list would help us upgrade to a size and style that better accommodate who we are today and who we desire to become.
Building your own start & stop list
If you are feeling the discomfort of growth together or apart in your relationship, this list is for you. The requirements are simple, but not easy. You’ll need to get honest around what is and isn’t serving your relationship well. For us that meant listening to one another’s feelings and concerns to understand where we were so that we could identify an action, intention or belief that we’d decide to start or stop to get us where we wanted to go. Caution: This is not a “you need to start/stop …” list. It’s an “I decide to start/stop …” list.
Keep it short and sweet with three to five items total for each person so you can focus on your commitments. Here are a few examples that could make your list:
I will stop holding my tongue when I’m concerned about a big decision.
I will stop keeping score in our relationship.
I will start making our home feel welcoming and peaceful.
I will start following our budget.
I will start prioritizing fun in our relationship.
If this list gives you anxiety or you’re not sure if you could navigate a conversation with your spouse around this topic, I highly recommend you do this exercise with the support of a counselor, coach or therapist so they can help to guide the conversation in a productive direction. You can find some great providers on the Military Marriage Day App.
Download the app online
Not sure your spouse would be into trying this? No worries! You control your actions so creating a personal start & stop list is a great, impactful step towards strengthening your marriage. Check out the Married to Military podcast with Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh for more insight on how you can impact your relationship.
If you’re not sure if this start & stop list is worth doing at all, take the 2024 Military Marriage Survey and see what emotions come up for you. The survey helps take a pulse on service marriages and helps you think through the current state of your relationship. Not only will you get clarity on your relationship, it will help in advocacy efforts for military married couples as we share our service marriage realities with Armed Forces leadership and service providers.
Visit Military Marriage Day for more relationship resources and to learn about August 14’s tribute to love and service
