When I was almost 40, with a wife, two kids, and a mortgage, my career as a college professor fizzled out. My wife, Diane, was a successful dentist and loved her job. We had financial security. We lived by my parents — our free, always-available babysitters who helped us wrangle our two crazy boys. And the boys were happy as clams. Then I did what most people in my stage of life wouldn’t do: I joined the military.
Both of my grandfathers had served. I’d always been interested in the military and regretted not serving when I was younger. I was searching for a new path. “What if I tried to get into the military?” I asked Diane one morning. “Okay,” she said, after a pause. Surely it wasn’t a real possibility, right? The Navy was Plan D — maybe Plan E. When the Navy recruiter called with the news, we were surprised. It must be a sign, we thought.
“I think we should do it,” Diane said. Except for a few close friends who were military families, most people were incredulous. “But why?” they wondered. It didn’t make sense.
I wanted value in my work and opportunity for advancement. I needed a mission. Diane understood, and she needed me to like my job. We chose the harder path.
But how could we make it work?
I’d always been Mr. Dad. Drop-offs, pick-ups, aftercare, extracurriculars, and dinner – I’d done it all. So my absence during Officer Candidate School was a shock for everyone. “Did we make the right decision?” we wondered. Battered and bruised, we survived. Then we charted our course.
Priority number 1: The family would stay together; even for a 9-month training cycle in Virginia Beach, Virginia, the family moved with me. Next, we had to maintain Diane’s career. She’d always been our chief breadwinner; she didn’t want to stay home. With 15 years of experience, she leaned into her network and found a practice that understood the work-life balance we wanted. Diane could work less, with a more flexible schedule.
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When selecting our next orders, we steered clear of tantalizing OCONUS adventures, even though we loved to travel. We filtered the options based on the states that offered reciprocity for Diane’s licensing. This was before the Military Spouse Licensing Relief Act (2021), which provides licensure recognition for military spouses in the state where their spouse serves.
Of course, we wanted happy and healthy boys too. The jump into a new school in Virginia Beach — after the school year had begun — had been difficult for them. We learned that a small school with more individualized attention and a direct, open line of communication with parents was best. Our ADHD-boys needed accessible tutoring and therapy. Since Diane already had a Virginia license and connections in the state, we passed on sunny Key West and took orders in northern Virginia. We then enrolled the boys in the Navy’s Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP), which helped us stay close to the resources they needed. Stationed in a metropolitan area with a large military population allowed us to find our village, make connections, and plan for deployments while finding new opportunities.
All the while, family comfort was my goal. Even if the billets I chose were not necessarily what was best for my career according to my community’s career progression charts, it was only with the family flourishing that I could embrace my mission with proper perspective. Family is what really matters. And I found value in my work for the first time. The skills and experiences I had acquired in my former life were leveraged for a higher purpose in a truly team environment where, together, we fight to protect our nation. My job, I realized, was serving my country for my family.
When Diane and I look back, we know we made the right decision, even if it seemed crazy at the time. Our family grew in ways we hadn’t anticipated. Diane found new opportunities in her career. I found a new career that I enjoyed. The boys found formative experiences. Our adventure has been an uphill climb, but an exciting one to experience together – especially the higher we go.
