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Arlington Ladies make funerals a time of comfort, honor and remembrance 

Susan Malandrino
by Susan Malandrino
December 23, 2020
Arlington Ladies Military Families Magazine

Kristin Webber-Moore receives a card of condolence from Arlington Lady Paula McKinley, right, during the graveside service for her father in Arlington National Cemetery, Sept. 22, 2016, in Arlington, Virginia. Her father, U.S. Navy Capt. Kent S. Webber, was buried in Section 60. (U.S. Army photo by Rachel Larue/Arlington National Cemetery/released)

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As an Arlington Lady, Paula McKinley knows that the role is not for the faint of heart. While she has attended hundreds of funerals over the years, one in particular stands out, when the nine-year-old daughter of a deceased service member pointed to the casket and asked if mommy was in there.  

“Yes, sweetie, she is,” McKinley said as she fought to maintain her composure, something usual for someone in her role. 

“I got up and headed to the car and the tears were just rolling,” she said. 

The Arlington Ladies, a group of volunteers who attend funeral services at Arlington National Cemetery, ensure that no soldier, sailor, airman or coastie is buried alone. 

Begun in 1948, the group was created when Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Hoyt Vandenberg, and his wife, Gladys, routinely attended funerals and noticed that some services had only a military chaplain present. Vandenberg asked her friends to start attending services and their efforts grew into a group that would come to be known as the Arlington Ladies. 

Today, the Air Force, Army, Navy and Coast Guard all have Arlington Ladies who perform similar volunteer duties, attending funeral services for active duty service members and veterans. The Marines do not officially have a group, as they send a representative of the Marine Commandant to every funeral. 

Read: Arlington National Cemetary workers carried a WWII vet to see his wife’s grave

The Arlington Ladies are an official part of the funeral service, representing the military service’s chief of staff or equivalent. During the service, they present cards of condolences to the next of kin from the service chief and spouse. According to McKinley, who serves as chairman of the Navy Arlington Ladies (NAL), the group should not be seen as professional mourners, rather as a support system for the families.

Arlington Ladies Military Families Magazine
Members of the U.S. Navy participate in the graveside service for U.S. Navy Capt. Kent S. Webber in Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery, Sept. 22, 2016, in Arlington, Virginia. (U.S. Army photo by Rachel Larue/Arlington National Cemetery/released)

During the service, each family is also presented with a handwritten note from the Arlington Lady herself. McKinley says the ladies write from their own hearts and letters show, in the case of the NALs, “that the Navy has not forgotten about you and you are still part of our family.”  

McKinley, who was a Navy spouse for more than 20 years before her husband retired, began volunteering with the group in 1991. “I knew I wanted to do it because I’d met so many wonderful people through the Navy. I’d been to so many wonderful places because of the Navy.” 

“I feel like I was there for my best friends,” McKinley said, noting how rewarding the work has been. 

After attending the funeral of her husband’s former boss, Navy spouse Katie Earle (also retired) was tremendously moved by the role of the Arlington Lady in the service. “I knew this is something I wanted to do,” she said. 

In the seven years since she’s been involved, she’s seen many different types of funerals, including services where no next of kin was present. For Earle, the act of honoring the service of the deceased is paramount even if she and her escort are the only ones in attendance. If this is the case, she is presented with the flag, takes the time to honor the deceased’s service and then bids fair winds and following seas to the service member. 

In the case of most funerals, the role of the Arlington Lady is to represent the service branch to offer condolence, support the family and honor the veteran or service member. 

READ: Virtual ceremonies, restricted access mark Memorial Day in the age of coronavirus

For Earle, the presence of an Arlington Lady helps families understand more about their father, mother, sister or brother and the importance of their service. “If the Navy cares this much about them, this must have been an important aspect of their life.” 

In addition to the grief, there have been many joyful reflections of life well-lived according to McKinley. 

At a funeral for a WWII vet, two of the deceased’s friends shared tales of his heroism after their ship was hit by a Kamikaze pilot. 

“It was only at his graveside that the family learned the story of how he kept others alive floating in a raft in the Pacific,” she said. “He was a hero and no one else knew it.” 

Arlington Ladies Military Families Magazine
Arlington Lady Paula McKinley poses for photographs in Arlington National Cemetery Sept. 22, 2016, in Arlington, Virginia. (U.S. Army photo by Rachel Larue)

For McKinley, these are the important stories you don’t see on a headstone at Arlington. 

“Every person buried at Arlington is a hero, a hero to someone,” McKinley said.  “When you go to Arlington, give a tap on the headstone as you walk by and think about that.” 

(Editor’s Note): Due to COVID-19, Arlington National Cemetery has instituted a variety of precautionary measures, including the suspending the work of the Arlington Ladies. For the latest information about when their work will resume, visit: https://www.arlingtoncemetery.mil/COVID.

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Tags: Arlington ladiesARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY
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Susan Malandrino

Susan Malandrino

Susan Malandrino is the assistant editor of Ameriforce Media, publisher of Military Families, Reserve & National Guard, and Military Influencer magazines. With nearly two decades of public relations, communications and editing experience, Susan has previously worked in higher education and with a variety of nonprofits. Her expertise is in both print and digital media. Based in Washington, D.C., she is married to an active-duty Naval aviator and is a twin mom. She and her family have completed seven PCS moves, three of them international. When she’s not unpacking boxes, she loves travel and particularly enjoys dragging her family to historical sites and museums. A long-time volunteer, Susan has served in a variety of mentorship roles at different duty stations with Family Readiness Groups and Navy Officers’ Spouses’ Clubs. Most recently, she served as a charity runner for the London Marathon, spearheading a team that raised more than $20,000 for premature children and their families. Susan holds a Bachelor of Arts in media arts from the University of South Carolina and a Master of Arts in communications from Old Dominion University.

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