With the end of her husband’s first deployment as a married man nearing, Navy wife Amy Botelho assumed that his work-life balance was about to get easier. After all, Petty Officer 1st Class Jason Botelho would be home with her, right? Certainly that would be a cinch compared to months apart!
“I learned quickly that shore duty does not always mean an easier schedule,” said Amy, now a military transition expert.
Not to mention that she and Jason, an electronics technician, hadn’t even fully lived together yet, and she had moved the couple’s possessions during deployment. So much felt upside down from when they first met.
“I had not gotten a sense of her daily routine or what her sleep patterns were like,” said Jason, who met his wife of 14 years at a mall. “So everything was different; which was great — exploring new places for the first time, learning how each of us functioned.”
Even with new adventures ahead, reintegrating after deployments can throw everyone from newlyweds to seasoned military couples for a loop. Former airman and soldier Cliff Jones, a chaplain and social worker, has seen it repeatedly in counseling sessions with military couples.
“The biggest false assumption is that ‘It’ll be really easy’ or ‘That won’t happen to us!’” Jones said. “But a lot of the times, it won’t be really easy, especially if there wasn’t any work done prior to the deployment.”
Why? Blame it on human tendencies to find a groove and stick with it. Once the spouse left behind on the home front learns how to fill the role of both spouses, they adjust to the new schedule and their own unique way of “conducting business.” However, when the deployed service member returns — often with expectations of picking up where the couple left off in everything from emotional connection, chores, parenting styles, intimacy and routines — reality harshly intervenes.
So how can a military couple be proactive in their approach to life after homecoming? Take advice from the Botelhos and Jones for a smoother reintegration:
Discuss these issues before deployment: Sometimes, just acknowledging that there will be speedbumps can go a long way.
Ease back in slowly: Give yourself and your spouse time to breathe at home by not planning major vacations, family visits or large-scale projects in the first few weeks.
Be a good inquirer and listener: Jason learned to asked Amy before he came back what she would like help with when he returned vs. what she would like to keep doing solo.
Embrace flexibility: “What was may not need to be what is, and some of the roles that were done previously may be better suited for someone else in the home,” Jones said, citing chores or parenting tasks. “Take some time working through this, then give it a test run. If it works well, keep on. If there’s some sticking points, talk through them and reevaluate.”
Simplify: See what practicalities can be simplified, like automatic bill payments or shared family calendars, to minimize miscommunications and missed deadlines.
Get creative: Have something to look forward to every week. The Botelhos, for example, host Firepit Fridays with s’mores, relaxing music, and unhurried conversation.
Time alone: Consider sending the kids away on a short family vacation while the returning spouse eases into home life. “We cannot feel guilty for pouring into our marriages, even if that means taking a break from the kids for a few days,” Amy said. “Plus, Grandma will love it!”
Be patient: Grant your spouse — and yourself! — grace. Hurt feelings and unmet expectations are likely as you find a new groove. That doesn’t mean your spouse is a thoughtless jerk; it’s just a unique challenge of military life you can solve and even grow from together.
Seek out support: Attend a marriage retreat for reconnection and relationship development, and don’t be afraid of counseling if it’s needed.
Above all, Jones said, remember why you fell in love in the first place.
“You probably got married because you loved and enjoyed each other,” he said. “Just because there may be some points of friction post-deployment doesn’t mean the marriage needs to implode. Assess the situation, figure out what needs some work, then do the work. You can continue to flourish!”
