Lisa Zucker is a certified thanatologist who has spent 20 years studying grief and helping families who have experienced a loss. But when she lost her father, brother and mother — for whom she was a caretaker — all within three years, she learned to apply what she knew from books a whole different way.
“When you experience it yourself, you learn those nuances that you can’t learn any other way besides experiencing,” said Zucker, who serves as the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) director of Strategic Planning and Implementation.
TAPS
TAPS, a military service organization, provides resources to those grieving a death in the military or veteran community. As the spouse of a veteran herself, Zucker said she is very honored and humbled to be able to be a part of the nonprofit and serve military and veteran families.
“It’s where I feel the most connected and the most grounded, and it’s where I get to use my desire to be of service to people in a way that has a strong impact, because that is where I feel I was meant to be working: with people who are grieving,” Zucker said.
Grief during the holidays
Family and friends are rarely equipped to face the grief that follows after losing a service member or veteran. For survivors, figuring out boundaries when they may feel overwhelmed and focusing on self care can be helpful as they carry that grief through the holiday season.
“I think everybody grieves differently, but there are trends that we notice, and one of those trends in grief is that the holiday season can bring more reminders of absence and reminders of memories — things that people are missing that they had in the past,” Zucker told Military Families Magazine. “It can tend to be a more challenging time for many grieving people.”
Setting boundaries
The holidays bring about family and days off of work for shared time with loved ones. When the absence of someone who was once there is now a commonality, however, it can be overwhelming to deal with grief while trying to celebrate the holidays normally.
Zucker recommended adopting the idea that some traditions may not be right for this year.
“Doesn’t have to be forever,” she said. “But figure out what you feel capable of participating in: what traditions you want to maintain, what things you might want to shift, or if there’s something new that you want to start to do, to honor and reflect that’s different from what you’ve done in the past.”
A few things surviving families can do to honor a loved one include:
- Setting out an empty chair or candle at the holiday table.
- Doing an act of service in their name.
- Wearing a small piece of jewelry or clothing that belonged to them.
- Making and sharing their favorite dish.
- Listening to their favorite music or watching their favorite event (e.g., a parade).
- Continuing family traditions, in new or adapted ways.
Zucker said whatever the act is, she encourages survivors to honor whatever feels the most meaningful to each individual and family so that they are honoring their loved one in a way that brings comfort and connection.
“What’s so challenging, but also meaningful in the grief process, is that something that can bring a tear and remind us of absence can also fill us with a type of continued bond and connection to our loved one that just is full of love,” Zucker said.
Practice self care
While it may seem unfair to focus on yourself when a loved one has made the ultimate sacrifice, it’s important, Zucker said, for survivors to practice self care.
During the holidays, that can mean finding a connection that feels comfortable, safe and meaningful. For some people that can be reading a book while for others it may look like spending time in nature.
“It’s really important to make space and make time to take care of ourselves, and that could mean something different for everybody,” she said.
Here are some examples of self care that can be practiced during the holidays:
- Set personal boundaries and say no to activities that feel overwhelming.
- Take a walk — alone for reflection or with children for shared support.
- Practice grounding techniques like deep (diaphragmatic) breathing if you feel overwhelmed.
- Spend quiet time in nature, read a book, or engage in a comforting hobby.
- Make time for physical, mental, spiritual and emotional care.
- Reach out for support — call someone or connect with a support group.
Military family
For military and veteran families in particular, Zucker said that cultural competence of the challenges is why TAPS is such an important resource. Whether it be the mask of “I’m fine, everything is okay,” or how military families have a strong desire to be of service to others, Zucker explained that the military culture influences the way that people grieve.
Unique to military relationships, Zucker said that “family” extends beyond the typical familial unit: battle buddies are included. To best work through grief, it is important that survivors receive support from someone who understands.
“Grief is not about getting over someone, getting over your loss; it’s about integrating it into your life,” she said. “And it takes time.”
TAPS Helpline
Through TAPS, consistent connection is available to anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one who was military or veteran.
The TAPS Helpline offers crisis support through live, trained peer specialists who are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, including holidays.
Zucker added that the helpline is available for anyone who needs to talk, even if it’s not an emergency.
“We’d rather somebody call than not because they thought that it wasn’t a big enough moment to need support,” Zucker said. “It’s a tough time of year, and the people that staff our helpline are also peers. They’re trained professionals, but they also have an understanding of what it is to be grieving during the holidays. They’re there to support everyone.”
If you are grieving the loss of a fallen service member, call the TAPS Helpline at 800-959-TAPS (8277) for support and resources.
