My mother called me last week to say my grandpa was having health problems. He’d gone to the hospital with concerning heart symptoms but my shock at the news was quickly replaced with confusion. “Don’t worry,” she said. “He was in the hospital for a week but he’s fine now.”
A week?
While I was grateful he was OK, I couldn’t believe it had taken a week for anyone to tell me my grandpa was hospitalized. What if he hadn’t been OK?
Military families are no stranger to being left out of what goes on at home, but being the last to know in times of family emergencies and tragedies is especially painful. “We didn’t want to bother you.” “We thought you were busy.” “We didn’t know if you could get time off.” “We didn’t have time to notify you.”
We know our relatives mean well, but notifying military families of emergency, tragedy and hardship is essential for a number of reasons:
Provides choice
When we aren’t notified of emergencies at home, our decision to be with our family in tough times has already been made for us. By not telling us, we don’t get a chance to say goodbye, or take time from work to mourn, or help our families cope. It only takes a minute to set up a group text, and it gives us an opportunity to make the choice ourselves as to whether we can come home or not. Don’t take that away from us.
Creates inclusion
We miss weddings, birthdays, Thanksgivings, girls’ night outs, annual camping trips, and so much more. We see the pictures on social media, and we are painfully aware that we are missing out on things back at home. But in moments of tragedy, when the family really needs to lean against each other, leaving out your military member amplifies those feelings of isolation. While the family grieves in the hospital room and says their goodbyes, the military member is left to grieve alone. Notifying your military member, especially if they find a way to return home, creates a feeling of inclusion rather than exclusion.
Avoids a lasting disconnect
Times of tragedy are when families come together. When military families are excluded, it doesn’t just hurt in the moment, it creates a lasting disconnect for years to come. Even after retirement or separation from the military, memories from when we weren’t home — to include the unfolding of tragedies — continue to be recalled. Stories of last words, moments of hope and happiness, funny stories of fighting with hospital nurses when the family banded together with love and support, and all the while we sit listening and imagining the events years after they took place as if it were a movie. And for all the involvement we were allowed to have, it might as well be. Some disconnect can’t be avoided, but that’s why it’s especially important to include military families in any way available. Excluding them doesn’t save them from the pain — it adds to it.
If your military member is difficult to reach or deployed, resources like the American Red Cross Hero Care Call Center can notify the military member of an emergency and even help provide financial assistance for emergency travel.
Make the call. We’ll thank you later.
