Amanda Huffman sat across from her oldest son’s teacher, taken aback by the naivete. Huffman’s boy was about a month into fourth grade, fresh off the family’s latest PCS move. The Air Force brought the Huffmans together during the ROTC program at Fresno State, but it had also kept their family on the move, including stops in Ohio, New Mexico and back to California.
“She said he was having a hard time adjusting,” said Huffman. “She had grown up in the same town she now taught at, and couldn’t understand why he was struggling. It was a wake-up call that my kids had experienced more than some adults.”
PCS moves pull back the curtain on the civilian-military divide that plagues our nation, and it’s often the kids that shoulder the greatest weight. Revolving schools, friends and cities bring with them the risk of a childhood defined by the struggle to fit in.
“We got involved in different activities, but friend groups had already been formed and for a long time my kids felt like outsiders,” remembered Huffman, who today hosts the “Women of the Military” podcast.
The unsettled, transitory quality of PCS moves, while real, is not insurmountable, said Aimee Johnson, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has worked with children and families in military and veteran communities. But that requires parents being authentic and intentional, refusing to blur over possible signs of distress.
“Sometimes people assume that kids, if they’re going through something, they will talk about it,” said Johnson. “They apply adult engagement to kids.”
Making it more difficult, she said, is that what presents as adjustment or resilience can be a mask for disconnect and withdrawal.
“I think military kids often have strong resilience — probably far and beyond what those of us who are civilian — but that doesn’t mean there isn’t impact,” said Johnson.
Johnson encourages parents to be proactive. Transparency leading up to a move can lessen the surprise on the kids, such as talking ahead of time about what the next phase of moving might look like.
“As soon as they know there is going to be a move, putting into place some sort of activity or recognition [of the move’s impact]” can be empowering, said Johnson. “Letting them have some decision-making, as far as how they want to stay in touch with those they’re leaving behind.”
To help kids thrive, lean into their strengths and invite ownership of their transition, said Johnson.
“Knowing your kids’ superpowers, for lack of a better term — sports, coding, art” can be a difference maker, she said. Do the homework together and “explore what could be special with this move.”
That dialogue, added Huffman, can give kids the room and permission necessary to process conflict and gain hope about an imminent move.
“Give your kids the space to feel their emotions,” said Huffman, noting that parents should also be open about their own struggles. “Allowing your kids to know that you feel those emotions can make them know that it isn’t easy and we don’t just stuff down how we feel.”
