Toxic resiliency is the idea that someone should be able to handle everything regardless of stressful circumstances. As military spouses, we preach how resilient we and our families tend to be, or rather, need to be. But there’s a fine line between healthy resilience and one that wreaks havoc on our mental health — and it can be easily blurred.
So, when does that line go from crystal clear to out of focus? The answer is when it starts to affect our mental health, when we’re being shamed for speaking up, or when our needs and pleas for help, guidance, or assistance are being dismissed because we made certain choices.
In my own experience, the situations in which I felt like I was suffocating and truly struggling to deal with life, are the ones accompanied by, what I can only assume to be, well-intended remarks from those who want to help. Instead, they come across as incredibly ignorant comments about my life choices: “You wanted kids,” “You knew what you were getting into,” or my personal favorite, “You married into the military, you signed up for this.”
I won’t argue the truth behind these statements, and I will never be ashamed by or regret the choices I’ve made. I will say that these statements do not dismiss all that they envelope or the outcomes that they produce. They are extremely loaded truths and are anything but black and white. It is simply not that simple.
Resiliency is quickly ingrained in who we become as military spouses and mothers to survive a demanding, unpredictable, and stressful lifestyle. In fact, we’ve built a narrative around being mentally and emotionally tough, independent individuals who can handle everything. Although true, it creates this illusion that we have to have it all handled and under control, and try as we might, there’s only so much we can actually control.
The military lifestyle can be totally unreliable and therefore, we roll with the punches as best we can. Then there’s motherhood and everything that falls under that umbrella which, again, as much as we can plan and prepare, is still full of unfamiliar territory and situations. Add all of that together and things can start to pile up quickly and what we once had under control is now on fire. We start drowning and feel like we can’t reach out and ask for help because, well, we wanted this.
Two things can be true, always. Yes, I did choose to have children, and it is OK to not be OK. Yes, I did know what I was getting into (sort of), and it’s OK to not be OK. Yes, I did marry into the military and sign up for it all, and IT’s OK TO NOT BE OK.
You can be resilient and not be OK.
