From Hollywood to the home front, drama is universal and, honestly, inevitable in any group setting. Just ask Sharpay Evans (where are my 2000 Disney Channel babes?!) The Ashley Tisdale essay exposing the “toxic mom group” she was excluded from has been circulating the internet for a hot minute, and everyone, including the husband of Lizzie McGuire (aka Hilary Duff), has had something to say about it. Naturally, I decided to add my two cents, but through the lens of a military spouse.
I’m going to be completely honest and say similar dynamics are very present in the military spouse community. I know spouses are reading this right now, going “YUP” because most spouses have their own experiences with it.
So grab a drink and let’s talk about it.
‘Mean-girl vibes’
I can personally attest to the mean-girl vibes portrayed in the essay. One notorious group that I will never forget wasn’t divided by who makes their own baby food or who doesn’t allow red dye; it was divided by rank. There was this invisible hierarchy that existed and made everything awkward, uninviting and consistently took me on a wild ride back to high school.
Let me paint one particular scene: we had gathered at this cafe; it was a great turnout, with several spouses who showed up, and everyone seemed friendly. The cafe opened up into the garden, and before you knew it, all the officer wives were inside while the enlisted wives were outside. There was no intentional cohesiveness, and goodbyes were brief smiles and polite “byes.” It was pure Regina George energy — you knew exactly where you stood at the end of the day. I felt so uncomfortable, small and frustrated because who the hell cared what our spouses did? At the end of the day, every active-duty member stepped onto the same plane to execute the same mission, and we, as spouses, were experiencing the same deployment, dealing with the same solo-parenting, and run-ins with Murphy’s Law. Rank changed nothing. What was supposed to be a support system had split into factions, each relationship now conditional on where you stood in the hierarchy.
Okay, but let’s be real for a second: there will always be a mix of strong personalities navigating different chapters of life. Then, of course, everyone is raised differently, so naturally there will be some friction. The key is finding the other person in the room rolling their eyes as hard as you are.
Find someone to match your vibe
Now to balance a negative experience with a positive one. At that same duty station, I met the most amazing mom group and a handful of military spouses who kept me sane and laughing through it all. I couldn’t have found a better village built on a deep connection of our similar struggles within the military and being a mom. It was always nonjudgmental, unfiltered and light in the best way.
I think all groups — whether they’re mom groups in the civilian world or spouse groups in the military community — are built on the same foundation of necessity. Amongst military spouses, finding a support system is a survival tactic: it’s a desperate need to bond to thrive in the chaos. Simply put, we all crave our own kind of crazy.
And that’s the beauty of even the messiest groups: there’s always one person who matches your vibe. Don’t let bad experiences keep you from building your village and finding your people. Protect your peace, cherish the connections that lift you, and remember: we’re all struggling, and that’s exactly why community matters.
And if you can’t find your people right away, there’s always wine, coffee, snacks or that one mom whose kid is just as unhinged as yours.
